In the spirit of total transparency I would like to discuss or in my case talk about living with lack. For a very long time, I did not understand what lack meant. And I am not talking about lack of material possessions. What I am referring to is lack of total and utter fulfillment. This is what God has been trying to teach me since I was a child really. But when you are given much you really do not think you are lacking much. But, in many cases here recently we have all seen how people who seemingly have everything still lack something. This is why depression, drug abuse, anxiety, and suicide are still epidemics that have not been totally ratified. I have learned to live with lack, but with God, I know in the end I will never need to worry about that.
“The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.” Psalms 34:10
I used to always wonder why I could not be satisfied with my life. When I was a teenager I would always feel lack in my friendships, lack in my family dynamic and my ambitions for school. I always felt this growing unease with how incomplete my life seemingly was. This definitely was not a reflection of how I was raised or the love shown to me, it was just this internal feeling I always had. My emotions were always right at the surface when I was in my teens and because of that I did allow many mistakes to cloud my vision. Thankfully back then I was able to bounce back quicker but I still had my moments, when it was just me staring at my four walls, pondering on things that I felt I lacked. So then in my emotional state, I would take these confusing thoughts -turned into feelings and take them out on my loved ones. I could not explain then, why I was in the up and down cycle of mood except to say that as an adult I figured out the root of why I felt the way I did then. Unfortunately I had not grown enough in God, to realize the lessons He was teaching me and the purpose for feeling like an outsider in my life. I just felt the lack and sometimes that feeling would threaten to swallow me whole.
“And he said to them, “When I sent you out with no moneybag or knapsack or sandals, did you lack anything?” They said, “Nothing.” Luke 22:35
I truly did not understand lack until I was left in a place in my life where I had nothing. Yes, I had food, clothing, and shelter, but I lacked something that was always inside of me that I failed to recognize. We all have desires and we all have these burning needs that many people do not know we have. I can say, it has been very hard at times to put into words exactly what I felt I needed.
A few years ago, during a time of happiness and celebration, I felt the most terrible about myself. I think it was the lowest time in my life because I had gotten to a point that I did not recognize who I was verses who I used to be. I mean on the outside, I was doing my thing with my three young boys, I was doing my thing as a wife, I was doing my thing as a daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, friend, cheerleader for everyone, and fan of everyone reaching their dreams. But, inside I was a total mess. I was totally drained mentally, physically and emotionally. I spent a lot of time at home being a stay- at- home mom, feeling utterly sorry for myself. I felt the lack in everything, yet was seemingly fulfilling the roles that I was born into or stepped into. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and asked yourself, “Who are you?” I did. Everyone I saw seemed to have their stuff together except me. I had in many ways taken control from God, and pretty much told Him, “I got this, I will handle my life myself!” Who says that to God right? Well I did. And not because I did not love Him or know Him, I had just stopped leaning on Him. I stopped depending on Him. I had made myself open to the enemy telling me everything and anything to be everyone else’s EVERYTHING. I certainly learned what I did lack then and it also made me reconcile why I felt lack as a teenager too. I needed God, not just to give me things I needed, but in God I finally realized who I was meant to be and with that knowledge I knew I lacked nothing.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119:105
Finally, I want to encourage you to be totally satisfied with being unsatisfied. This world in all its trappings also include things we are not supposed to attain. God gave us all His everything by having His son die for our sins. His love for us has never contained lack because He is our everything. We are not meant to have it all because God is all. He is not pushy nor is He a “Buggaboo”. He sits by quietly watching us make our mistakes, catching us every time we fall, dusting us off in hopes that we realize all He wants is to give us His all. We are not from here, nor are we meant to make our homes here. We feel lack because we are not meant to get comfortable with mediocrity. If God is offering you His Best, shouldn’t you learn to live with the worldly lack? I know it is a hard pill to swallow especially with all that is our here these days. But we must all keep our eyes stayed on Him, because when all these things pass away our love for Him and His love for us will always last. I am steadily leaning, depending, and surrendering myself to God each day pushing away the lack filled thoughts. Can you join me in learning to live with lack? You know you got this!
Sincerely,
Terryn
MODERN FAITHERELLA 